Miley

It has been 10 days since went back in to have my second back surgery for them to go in find the leak and glue it shut. They never located the actual site of the leak but glued, tested and glues some more until the they could not see anymore fluid coming out. I think it worked, but everyday I wake up and still have head pain and am frightened of it returning to the previous level. I am resting and finding that even being up and moving around the house, sitting at a table or taking even a short walk is exhausting. Can’t even imagine riding my bike right now, exercise is not even part of the plan for awhile. What do I do with my day? Mostly I sit and rest and hangout with my sweet girl Miley. She has become my constant companion, she has kept watch over me staying by my side. She has come up on the bed or come gently over to sniff and kiss my face when I have been crying in pain from the surgery, my head and neck or just my heart. Miley has been protective of me with all the "strangers" that have come to help me since I got home last Wednesday. She will come and sit next to me and woof at some of the new people who have been stopping by, she keeps a close eye on me and stays nearby most of the time. She has been excellent on all the walks my friends have taken her on. She misses my girls since they have had to stay with their father this whole time and runs around the house full of joy when they visit. She has been on patrol in the yard trying to catch a mole, unfortunately that has resulted in numerous large holes but she is trying. Yesterday I decided to walk around the block I debated if I should bring her for fear of injuring myself, I brought her anyway and she was perfect. She walked slowly at my pace and kept checking in with me, she never pulled and came straight back to the door even though the walk was short. I have bonded so completely with her and am in awe of her sensitivity to me, my pain and my emotions as well as her loyalty and her devotion to this new job of keeping watch over me. She is sitting by the front door right now looking out the screen keeping an eye on the world outside. Sitting up when people, bikes and best of all dogs walk by. She could easily bust through the screen but she doesn't even paw at it, she just sits up or stands for the more interesting the passerby while periodically looking back over at me and checking in.
Miley has become a healer, a guardian and my most loved friend. At 1 year old to have done all of that is remarkable. I can’t wait until she gets back to her other job of the morning routine helping my wake my girls and get them off to school. It is lonely here right now, just me to look after no Megan or Emily, no Reid and no kitties (she had taken on the responsibility of herding them to the basement and just chasing for fun).
I am so fortunate in so many ways, while I have lost so much during this whole series of events I am blessed with love and friendship from so many that reached out to me, my Miley culminates this all in one 93lbs bundle of fur.

Emerging

I have emerged on the other side of the most traumatic illness I could imagine. I was stripped of everything for a moment. What I will get back, being mom for sure. My health will return, I will get strong again although it will be a slow process. I have gained so much in this, more love and support that I could ever imagine was there for me. The friends and family that have come to lift me up through this while I was the most incapable of caring for myself physically and emotionally is amazing. I love them all and am eternally grateful.

What I lost in that 2 months was time that I don't get back, 1st days of school, events and moments that I would have shared with others. The most significant loss is the love of my life. I hide him from my blog most of the time because I don't like to air my feelings about him and about our relationship publicly it is how I guess I protected and respected that this isn't the place for me to express that personal relationship. Maybe I should have shown my appreciation and love for him here, maybe not. I lost him before I could get out of the nightmare I was in. I finally was relinquished from the pain and agony of the leak that pulled my brain away from my skull and made living, thinking, feeling anything normal impossible to find my heart now crushed and the promise of our future together gone. Over the months of my illness his frustrations with issues mounted and I was not able to respond to. There were issues, there are things that I said and did that hurt him we needed to be deal with them but I was incapable of doing any of it until today. How very sorry I am that I can't rewind to the beginning of August and see what I see now, take back actions or things I said during my illness that hurt him. I was not myself for those two months and I wish that he could understand that more fully than I think he does and realize that everything that I was doing was not how I really am. The chronic pain and the physiological toll that leak had on me made me into a different person. I kept saying "I don't feel like me anymore" I wish he had listened to that more completely. Even after what has happened and the awful way the events played out I love him and know that I can forgive in time if we are able to work on things. My hope is that he can understand me and what was happening to me. At the same time that he was feeling like everything was lost, the issues were too much and he had to get out I was trapped helpless to do anything to fix how he felt just as he was helpless to fix me. How tragic that an illness can steel away so much and even when it is over the loss is greater than what could have been imagined.

Waiting

I am laying in my bed waiting for the UW hospital to call and tell me to drive over to have surgery tonight. Crazy, they said 8PM but it is now 9PM and I am at home waiting. Not sure if they will call at all and how fresh is a surgeon at 10 at night to be cutting me open and looking around?

I have been unable to sit up with out extreme head and neck pain since August 15th. I have had 1 surgery, 10 IV's, 4 MRI's and 2 CT scans, 3 ER trips, 2 hospital stays with surgery 2 and hospital stay 3 and more IV's pending, but really who's counting? (My insurance is I am sure)

Due to all of this I am unable to take care of my girls, this is killing me. I have missed the 1st day of school, soccer, and just daily life with them. With all the pain this is what makes me cry, not being mom. I so desperately want to get back to normal and want to do all the daily stuff. I want to be the caregiver not the one needing help for almost everything. I want my morning routine of getting the girls ready for school and the rush in the evening to get it all done before tomorrow. Sure I also want to ride a bike see my friends and simply live a normal day, but at the core it is being there for Megan and Emily that I want back the most. Clarity in life can come from having everything stripped to the bare elements and seeing what is left. If I have to loose everything one thing at a time what do I hold the closest and let go of last? My girls, not that I did not already know how much they mean to me I did, it's that I don't think I realized for myself how much happiness my being mom makes me. I love all the other things in my life too but I have not sobbed over not being able to ride my bike or drive or sit upright and eat or anything except that I can't be there for my girls. Don't get me wrong, I have lost it and cried over feeling like I will never be normal again but true loss and fear of loss has only been over being mom.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I am feeling like the surgery won't happen tonight but who knows, one more thing out of my control for now. Hopefully tomorrow I will have a buoyant brain.