I am laying in my bed waiting for the UW hospital to call and tell me to drive over to have surgery tonight. Crazy, they said 8PM but it is now 9PM and I am at home waiting. Not sure if they will call at all and how fresh is a surgeon at 10 at night to be cutting me open and looking around?
I have been unable to sit up with out extreme head and neck pain since August 15th. I have had 1 surgery, 10 IV's, 4 MRI's and 2 CT scans, 3 ER trips, 2 hospital stays with surgery 2 and hospital stay 3 and more IV's pending, but really who's counting? (My insurance is I am sure)
Due to all of this I am unable to take care of my girls, this is killing me. I have missed the 1st day of school, soccer, and just daily life with them. With all the pain this is what makes me cry, not being mom. I so desperately want to get back to normal and want to do all the daily stuff. I want to be the caregiver not the one needing help for almost everything. I want my morning routine of getting the girls ready for school and the rush in the evening to get it all done before tomorrow. Sure I also want to ride a bike see my friends and simply live a normal day, but at the core it is being there for Megan and Emily that I want back the most. Clarity in life can come from having everything stripped to the bare elements and seeing what is left. If I have to loose everything one thing at a time what do I hold the closest and let go of last? My girls, not that I did not already know how much they mean to me I did, it's that I don't think I realized for myself how much happiness my being mom makes me. I love all the other things in my life too but I have not sobbed over not being able to ride my bike or drive or sit upright and eat or anything except that I can't be there for my girls. Don't get me wrong, I have lost it and cried over feeling like I will never be normal again but true loss and fear of loss has only been over being mom.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I am feeling like the surgery won't happen tonight but who knows, one more thing out of my control for now. Hopefully tomorrow I will have a buoyant brain.
1 comment:
And so it's that need to be a mom that gets you through all the other stuff that most people would find unbearable. You want that so much that you will endure whatever it takes to get it back instead of giving in to pity or fury. And you will get it back, buoyantly.
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