Emerging

I have emerged on the other side of the most traumatic illness I could imagine. I was stripped of everything for a moment. What I will get back, being mom for sure. My health will return, I will get strong again although it will be a slow process. I have gained so much in this, more love and support that I could ever imagine was there for me. The friends and family that have come to lift me up through this while I was the most incapable of caring for myself physically and emotionally is amazing. I love them all and am eternally grateful.

What I lost in that 2 months was time that I don't get back, 1st days of school, events and moments that I would have shared with others. The most significant loss is the love of my life. I hide him from my blog most of the time because I don't like to air my feelings about him and about our relationship publicly it is how I guess I protected and respected that this isn't the place for me to express that personal relationship. Maybe I should have shown my appreciation and love for him here, maybe not. I lost him before I could get out of the nightmare I was in. I finally was relinquished from the pain and agony of the leak that pulled my brain away from my skull and made living, thinking, feeling anything normal impossible to find my heart now crushed and the promise of our future together gone. Over the months of my illness his frustrations with issues mounted and I was not able to respond to. There were issues, there are things that I said and did that hurt him we needed to be deal with them but I was incapable of doing any of it until today. How very sorry I am that I can't rewind to the beginning of August and see what I see now, take back actions or things I said during my illness that hurt him. I was not myself for those two months and I wish that he could understand that more fully than I think he does and realize that everything that I was doing was not how I really am. The chronic pain and the physiological toll that leak had on me made me into a different person. I kept saying "I don't feel like me anymore" I wish he had listened to that more completely. Even after what has happened and the awful way the events played out I love him and know that I can forgive in time if we are able to work on things. My hope is that he can understand me and what was happening to me. At the same time that he was feeling like everything was lost, the issues were too much and he had to get out I was trapped helpless to do anything to fix how he felt just as he was helpless to fix me. How tragic that an illness can steel away so much and even when it is over the loss is greater than what could have been imagined.