Things have accomplished today;
1.Giving up giving up coffee, it became became obvious that I can not survive with out the number one drug of choice (that has not been verified but likely is true) when I wanted to cry because I could not function at work and really Really REALLY wanted to just lay down and the lab floor and take a nap. Yuck!
2.Going to the gym and riding the life-cycle for 30 minutes. First excercise I have had since July!
3.Buying x-mas gifts at smartwool sale before Halloween! OK only two cute hats, but it counts.
4.Wrote a blog entry.
Whew! Done.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
New Decade
Well it is here, the eve of a new decade. Not that I mind, age is truly a relative thing, I don't feel as old as I thought 40 would feel. Even with all the turmoil I have had lately I am not resigned to being "over the hill". No black balloon's, no jars of Geritol, that is what I remember from when I was young. My aunt getting a big bottle of scotch and joking that she was sure it was going to be Geritol. I am not worried about anything like that. I saw this birthday looming on the horizon and was looking forward to it. I was looking forward to my future and all the good places my life was going. Somehow that has taken a turn, not so sure where it is going now but I will find out in time.
Today has been a hard one, very lonely. I have my sweet girl Miley who I took to the dog park today, a nice triumph in doing something normal but sadness to not be sharing her antics with anyone. The rest of the day was spent much in silence with lovely flowers from my mom set on my bookcase. The only sound I could hear was the clock ticking off the seconds shortening the time until I was officially one year older and pushed to into the next bracket the defines age. It is almost here, I have so much to look forward to and tomorrow will be spent with the two most beautiful girls in the world doing important stuff like going to soccer games. I bought a birthday cake today rich and chocolaty, Emily will like that. The day will simple and normal, that is good enough for me. Even if it is not how I had envisioned the day to be exactly, it is life with all of the unexpected things that come with it and I have survived them thus far. Spending the day with my girls is a wonderful gift everything beyond that will be icing on the cake. Did I mention it is chocolate?
Today has been a hard one, very lonely. I have my sweet girl Miley who I took to the dog park today, a nice triumph in doing something normal but sadness to not be sharing her antics with anyone. The rest of the day was spent much in silence with lovely flowers from my mom set on my bookcase. The only sound I could hear was the clock ticking off the seconds shortening the time until I was officially one year older and pushed to into the next bracket the defines age. It is almost here, I have so much to look forward to and tomorrow will be spent with the two most beautiful girls in the world doing important stuff like going to soccer games. I bought a birthday cake today rich and chocolaty, Emily will like that. The day will simple and normal, that is good enough for me. Even if it is not how I had envisioned the day to be exactly, it is life with all of the unexpected things that come with it and I have survived them thus far. Spending the day with my girls is a wonderful gift everything beyond that will be icing on the cake. Did I mention it is chocolate?
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Giving up?
At what point to you decide to just give up? It depends I suppose, in a bike race at least for me there are several key moments that I find it prudent to give up.
Example 1. In a crit once you are getting lapped and our good friend Phil pulls you, then it is time to give up. But I don’t give up before that ‘cause you never know what can happen to slow stuff up and catch back on (although that has never happened to me once they have been totally out of sight). So, until pulled it becomes cornering practice and a $20+ workout.
Example 2. In a road race I would possibly say when the follow car passes you but, I have been passed by the follow car and DIDN’T give up passed the follow car and worked my but off to catch back on. Walla Walla for instance I did this a whopping 5 times. I know, I know why did I keep getting dropped? I will never know but it must have something to due with not tucking in and holding a darn wheel! So I have to choose a different moment, hmmm I only give up if my bike fails me or my body screams “uncle!”
Even when I see those flashing lights head over the horizon out of sight I don’t usually give up, I practice TTing. If you know me, you know that I hate to TT so that is saying something ;)
Example 3. When you are on a team training ride ( these are technically not races but some days you have to wonder) and there is that all important sprint point, you are on down to 3 gulps in the water bottle and one Cliff shot and you are riding with da' boys. Now that is time to give up and not spend the last match, Ballard is a long way from Mercer Island.
Now life is not a bike race, although I am sure there are plenty of analogies that can be drawn from this fabulous sport. :) I am wondering in life when do I give up?
Like with my illness, when should I have given up? Well never, that is part of what was so scary, I had to keep going even without knowing if it would ever end. Giving up would never have been an option for me, my body would have had to give up without my consent.
Basically I don’t give up easily I endure as much as I can. This is especially true with those that I love. I guess I am wondering with those that you hold closest when is it time give up? When your heart and your feelings keep getting bruised how many times before you say "uncle"? I try to be understanding, empathetic and forgive when I can. But when you keep getting knocked down at what point do you pick yourself back up, brush off all the dirt, turn and walk away not to look back? I don’t have that answer today. Once upon a time I did, there was a crystal clear moment when the pain out weighed the love. I am a Libra and it is my birthday month, so I get to use my astrological sign for this metaphor which is… a scale. Right now that scale is in a pivotal balance ready to tip to either side and I don’t know which way it will go. Nothing crystal clear but that day must be coming soon.
Example 1. In a crit once you are getting lapped and our good friend Phil pulls you, then it is time to give up. But I don’t give up before that ‘cause you never know what can happen to slow stuff up and catch back on (although that has never happened to me once they have been totally out of sight). So, until pulled it becomes cornering practice and a $20+ workout.
Example 2. In a road race I would possibly say when the follow car passes you but, I have been passed by the follow car and DIDN’T give up passed the follow car and worked my but off to catch back on. Walla Walla for instance I did this a whopping 5 times. I know, I know why did I keep getting dropped? I will never know but it must have something to due with not tucking in and holding a darn wheel! So I have to choose a different moment, hmmm I only give up if my bike fails me or my body screams “uncle!”
Even when I see those flashing lights head over the horizon out of sight I don’t usually give up, I practice TTing. If you know me, you know that I hate to TT so that is saying something ;)
Example 3. When you are on a team training ride ( these are technically not races but some days you have to wonder) and there is that all important sprint point, you are on down to 3 gulps in the water bottle and one Cliff shot and you are riding with da' boys. Now that is time to give up and not spend the last match, Ballard is a long way from Mercer Island.
Now life is not a bike race, although I am sure there are plenty of analogies that can be drawn from this fabulous sport. :) I am wondering in life when do I give up?
Like with my illness, when should I have given up? Well never, that is part of what was so scary, I had to keep going even without knowing if it would ever end. Giving up would never have been an option for me, my body would have had to give up without my consent.
Basically I don’t give up easily I endure as much as I can. This is especially true with those that I love. I guess I am wondering with those that you hold closest when is it time give up? When your heart and your feelings keep getting bruised how many times before you say "uncle"? I try to be understanding, empathetic and forgive when I can. But when you keep getting knocked down at what point do you pick yourself back up, brush off all the dirt, turn and walk away not to look back? I don’t have that answer today. Once upon a time I did, there was a crystal clear moment when the pain out weighed the love. I am a Libra and it is my birthday month, so I get to use my astrological sign for this metaphor which is… a scale. Right now that scale is in a pivotal balance ready to tip to either side and I don’t know which way it will go. Nothing crystal clear but that day must be coming soon.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Rollercoaster’s
As a kid I loved them they were exhilarating I never felt sick and could go on them over and over. Now as un adult I don’t feel quite the same way, whiplash, motion sickness, knocking heads with my companion in the car. They just don’t hold the same appeal. After the last 2 months I would have even more hesitance and even fear for my safety to get on one. Now bike racing is a risk too and could potentially cause injury similar to my fears of a rollercoaster. Does that mean I won’t bike race again? I eagerly look forward to getting back on the bike and racing again. Is there risk? Yes, am willing to accept that risk because of what I gain from the experience? I guess so, I love racing my bike.
I have been on several rollercoaster’s in the last 2 months metaphorically speaking, (duh!) that I don’t remember buying a ticket for. I find myself riding them wanting the out of control ups, downs and turns to stop. Rollercoaster #1- I will name it The Brain Sinker this one is my illness. I just wanted to get the heck off but I had to ride it out. I feel like that ride has slowed and is coming to a stop, not by my choice or my control, but rather by the intervention of medicine (a little late, but it does finally seems to have ended and I am on the path to recovery) The 2nd one is a bit more difficult to explain, I will name it… heck I can’t invent one to cover this drama. Parts of it I am ready to jump off, no desire to ride this out and I don’t feel like I hold much control in stopping it. Sometime it is better to let things go and simply move on. Other parts I am saying “bring it on!” I am ready for this even with all the past it will bring up and how it means I have to go back and revisit old wounds it is necessary and could salvage a relationship outside of my own. The rest of this ride is choosing my direction right now its up and down and all over. I feel that the path I was on before everything happened has now diverged into different directions and I need to decide which one I am on or choose a brand new one to follow.
There is a 3rd rollercoaster I need to mention that I don’t want off of. If you ever saw Parenthood with Steve Martin you will understand. This ride is filled with ups and downs, the unexpected, joys and pains but it is one heck of a ride. I have no intentions of stopping or jumping off this ride I will stay on it for as long as I can.
I have been on several rollercoaster’s in the last 2 months metaphorically speaking, (duh!) that I don’t remember buying a ticket for. I find myself riding them wanting the out of control ups, downs and turns to stop. Rollercoaster #1- I will name it The Brain Sinker this one is my illness. I just wanted to get the heck off but I had to ride it out. I feel like that ride has slowed and is coming to a stop, not by my choice or my control, but rather by the intervention of medicine (a little late, but it does finally seems to have ended and I am on the path to recovery) The 2nd one is a bit more difficult to explain, I will name it… heck I can’t invent one to cover this drama. Parts of it I am ready to jump off, no desire to ride this out and I don’t feel like I hold much control in stopping it. Sometime it is better to let things go and simply move on. Other parts I am saying “bring it on!” I am ready for this even with all the past it will bring up and how it means I have to go back and revisit old wounds it is necessary and could salvage a relationship outside of my own. The rest of this ride is choosing my direction right now its up and down and all over. I feel that the path I was on before everything happened has now diverged into different directions and I need to decide which one I am on or choose a brand new one to follow.
There is a 3rd rollercoaster I need to mention that I don’t want off of. If you ever saw Parenthood with Steve Martin you will understand. This ride is filled with ups and downs, the unexpected, joys and pains but it is one heck of a ride. I have no intentions of stopping or jumping off this ride I will stay on it for as long as I can.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)